Who am I ? (part 4) - Impact on my life

  The Feb '04 spiritual experience, at the age of 44 years, was a precursor to a constant upward movement of energy in the body, leading to interesting repercussions. The linolic flow of energy from top down had changed once and for all to a reverse flow called the "kundalini flow" and I could feel the same all the time. My body hair which used to point downward, has now changed direction and the entire back hair is facing upwards, due to the change in energy flow. My body, not used to this direction and increase of energy could not cope and went through some terrible months of tremendous heat, discomfort, and a constant fear of "waking up dead or mad".

And, because it was spontaneous and not guided nor prepared, the obsession to understand it was all the more. While most of the understanding of the new reality came through meditation (I had involuntarily become a meditation junkie - meditating hours on end, especially at night, many-a-times losing control of my body during the time), reading and absorbing books after books, websites after websites trying to validate the processes happening to me all the time. I found corroboration of the answers received during meditation from religious books like Ashtavakra Gita, Pancastavi, Saundarya Lahiri and Tantra studies especially Sat-Cakra-Nirupama and Paduka- Pancaka and recordings and writing of enlightened souls on the path.

Fortunately, Sudipt, my friend, was there to guide me in these unchartered territories and we discovered new happenings together and analyzed the same, rightly or wrongly. These were new experiences and we had to keep on experimenting to find relief from the heat and problems - there were no formal, properly documented precedents and therefore when problems arose, daily half-baked solutions and experiments were tried - be they acupressure, ayurvedic medicines, mantras, yantra, marmas, meridian cleaning and many others. Fortunately, he insisted that Minal, my wife record the transformations and events every day, and therefore, we have some recordings of daily occurrences during the roller-coaster ride of the early months. The energy surges, the discomfort, the various futile attempts to find a guru :), the various, desperate methods to control the heat, the treatment with my energy of many (including Minal) through laying of hands and some episodes wherby I healed some people who were given up for dead have all been recorded in Gujarati, though. Because of my lack of religious upbringing, I did not ascribe the experience to the mysterious workings of God or karma or similar, but tried to find the answers in terms of psychology, physiology and sciences like physics, biology, mathematics and such.

But, as my body became calmer and the heat controllable at the end of 4 to 5 months of the awakening, I could feel an inner music and luminosity in my body. Various sounds, visions and some siddhis came and went - I did not give it any importance, but the constant music within continued. While I deal with the outside world superficially, I have a private world within which is calm, contented, awake, aware and joyous. Limitations of the language does not allow me to express this extraordinary occurrence which has become a part of me.

I used to be a violently angry man, before - punching walls and breaking furniture during uncontrollable phases and constantly being sarcastic and hurting others. And suddenly, after the awakening, the anger and the vitriol has just disappeared. I have not been angry even once- angry at what? whom? - all is me, and the understanding is not intellectual. In my worldview, the value for money, business, profits, relationships, truth, lies, doing good or bad, corruption, cleanliness, hygiene and all daily headlines and issues had become nil. While I am fulfilling a responsibility in the normal world (for reasons that can be written some other time) with lots of fun and happiness - I also wait to get off this rat race carousel and spend more time with subjects and issues of my interest.

Earlier, we used to enjoy killing mosquitoes in our bedroom - one of our jokes was "A family that kills together, stays together". Now, we have a large plastic bottle in which we catch these mosquitoes and release them outside the window. My fondness for gardening and bonsais has turned for pain whenever I see anyone cutting plants for decoration or see insects beings killed randomly - because they are all part of me.

In life, we play roles of father, son, husband, boss, employee, hierarchy, citizen, leader with great gusto and seriousness and I used to try and do the same, attempting to do the best at the role. Now there is no role. All relations are 50: 50, no 51 and no 49. The same candidness and clarity with which I talk to the President of the country is what I do with my peon or my family members and they have the same privilege. Can God or spirit present in each of us be higher or lower than the other?

Because my body is the vehicle for the music to play, for the energies to move, for the experience to happen - it is my temple, and it should be completely pure. Since the enlightenment, I have become extremely self-aware of the input in the body as "we are what we eat". Have moved to a completely sattvic diet - no tea, no coffee, no onion, no garlic, not much spice and lots of ghee. Prefer to eat food prepared by my wife using some Arya Vidhi and mantras during cooking to ensure good vibrations, whenever possible. Having learnt some ayurveda, I check my nadi (pulse) every morning and using diet and lifestyle try to stay in balance in the three doshas and remove ama as it can block the movement of energy. From someone sick all the time, with one metacin a day - I have not had a serious headache or problem since the awakening. Though many times, I do cheat and come close to having a headache or imbalance.

For the external, we used to do Agnihotra havan every morning to cleanse and purify the atmosphere, wash my clothes separately, try and keep my place of meditating, sleeping, working pure without too much interference of other energies. Brahmacharya, some pranayama, meditation and reading helps the process. Starting this process of blogging is also helping in clarifying thoughts and concepts. Negativity, bad energy and vibrations disturb, while positive and good vibrations found in temples, satsangs, good literature and constructive actions uplift me.

Anything that is deep and profound on the subject of my interest keeps me engaged. Other discussions, talks and engagements are things to avoid. Therefore, to concentrate on my passion, I have cut off all relations with friends, extended family (except brother, sister and in-laws) and have chosen to stay away from all functions be they marriage, funerals or other. While there was some resistance in the early stage, it has become smooth now.

Most importantly, as the realization has come that I am complete, I do not seek approval from others and have completely ceased to be affected by opinions. And that has put me at great ease and peace. All these have come about automatically and without any effort.

I believe that the steps for complete enlightenment are (1) Awakening (2) Self awareness (3) Surrender and (4) Union. I think that nowadays I am more inclined to surrender, which means trusting the world, accepting existence as it is (not trying to change it) and going with the flow.

Sorry that this was too autobiographical and long. Next blog will be about the importance of the spiritual awakening in the evolutionary journey of mankind and existence and the science and logic behind the same.